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NewsWhy I hate T.V. ">www.jonboulier.com Overcast skies around noon followed by torrential downpour later in the evening. Keep an eye open for flooded cesspools, inflatable trashbags filled with fingernails, and self-destructing robots. Yes folks, you heard it here first. If you were wondering why I'm sitting here reading the teleprompter next to an empty chair, Whitney is down the street. Apparently she thought it more important that she made herself dependent on cocaine and adderall. Where's the justice? When the mail carrier crunches the brake pedal to the floor and lifts her to the stars, I want all of you viewers out there to make a wish. I want you to pray to death that she lands on target. Scrape your wrists together in the strictest form of piety you can muster and drink the rain until your bellies are swollen. I'm Michael Pehn, and this is News at 10. |
The drive home.em>Why I hate T.V.
Today, while trying to get my breakfast out of the garbage (I'm currently leeching this internet connection off a moderately wealthy Spanish family in Queens), I found two severed human heads. I didn't really know what to do with them and decided to leave one, but I took the other with me for the day. Needless to say, when we sat down for coffee at Starbucks, the employees weren't too pleased. We were thrown out once they realized what was going on, but luckily enough, before that happened me and the head were able to have a nice conversation about 19th century French literature and getting driver's licenses. Turns out, the head didn't have a driver's license. The rest of the day consisted in me and the head going to the DMV to try and have it take the driver's test, and get its license. Well, guess what? The head actually passed all of the exams. Once I held it up to the camera for its photo, the woman became visibly upset and threatened to call the police. She did, of course, but that didn't matter because I was pretty dead set on getting my pal, the head, a driver's license. Took awhile for the police to arrive and by that time we had already taken the photo. I was in my car in the parking lot, with the head, as I saw a few black and whites pull up. Whatever. Long day! |